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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.