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My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.