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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.