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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.