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That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.