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Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
My body needs a refresh button.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.