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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.