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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
Being alive is so expensive.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".