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I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.