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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe