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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
lifes a laugh, start living it!
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.......
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.