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Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole