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is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.