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The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
I think I may be getting harder to love.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.