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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
I wish I had a friend like me
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
I want it all and I want it delivered.
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.