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condoms prevent minivans
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!