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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.