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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.