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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.