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Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
Sometimes you just have to logout...
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"