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If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.