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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.