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To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"