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I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
Serving size ?? LMAO
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?