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Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.