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Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave