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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
I want to sleep tighter
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........