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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"