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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.