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I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
You might be a REDNECK if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!! :)) lol
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
on a scale of 1-10 how honest are you? I would say 10 but then i would be lying!
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.