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I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
So many people are making history right now. but me, I`m deleting history from my browser.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.