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Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?