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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.