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You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
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