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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.