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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
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“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
My inner child is a drunken whore
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.