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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.