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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.