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It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.