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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.