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I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
The best things in life require no pants.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."