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She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.