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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours
Today`s subliminal thought is: …