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I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.