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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.