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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"