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I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.