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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
Occasionally, I like to agree with a man just to watch the look of fear, confusion and nervous-anxiety.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?