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Let`s sleep in until it`s time to go to bed again
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and Iām still not happy
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
Sometimes I wish people would just bring donuts to work instead of drama.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?