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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
is a mystery you´ll never solve
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I forgot to post this earlier
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.