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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
The only dates I get are updates.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.