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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Haters gonna hate, your honor
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
Warning: I just get weirder.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...