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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."