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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.