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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.