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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Serving size ?? LMAO
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!