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How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.