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Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it