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I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
I’m sad when my food is over.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.