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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
is "insert clever remark here."
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.