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This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
Ways to die: Steal my food.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.