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Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?