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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.