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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.