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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.