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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
I was born to be happy… not normal.