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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?