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People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.