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Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
It’s not pretty being easy.