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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....