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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"