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Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!