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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
My house has really let itself go.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.