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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
True love doesn`t care about the look or size of your wallet, it`s all about what`s inside ..... the wallet.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.