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Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.