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Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.