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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.