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Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
My life is just one long improvisation.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.