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Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
Mondays are middle finger approved
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.