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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.