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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
I`m having an out of money experience.
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.