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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there