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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.