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The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".