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If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Match dot com, but for socks.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
My anger management class pisses me off