Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that Iām right.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?