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No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
You make me want to be a drunker person
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.