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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.