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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.