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That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
I grew up for this?
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Thanks for posting pics of what you had for dinner, the suspense was f*cking killing me.