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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
Walmart needs observation decks.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?