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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.