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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
bras are booby-traps
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."