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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.