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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it