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If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool