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I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down."
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.