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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.