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Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!