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Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.