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One trenta cheeseburger please.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation