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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?