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So you`ll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year ... Your move Weight Watchers
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?