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Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."