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Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......