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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.