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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.